3. The Sacred Account Of Adam & Eve’s Pets

I know that some of you have read fragments of this factual sacred account. It was originally written in the ancient language of Ugaritic. Of course, those who love the Felis catus would have a special appreciation of the truth of this translated ancient text. My cat, Clyde, likes this particular English translation. He likes to read it to me even though I have heard it dozens of times. Of course, I believe everything Clyde tells me and he has never steered me wrong. He was right, you know, when he said that every life should have nine cats.

Most recently, he picked a warm early autumn evening when the sun’s rays were shining brightly through the western family room windows. It was almost their early evening naptime. He, his two sisters, Hunter and Hope, and I settled down comfortably. They almost seemed to be laughing, but they snuggled close to me and to each other and purred to keep me comfortable as they awaited those eternal words once again.

After licking his left paw, Clyde, with his usual affection, pushed his favorite catnip mouse over to his sister, Hunter. After a pause, and with great solemnity, he began to read “The Sacred Account of Adam and Eve’s Pets.”

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

Then, God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

Therefore, God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. Moreover, it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a good name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you; his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’

Dog lived with Adam and Eve. He was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a very short time, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and reported, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks. Moreover, they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations. Therefore, they will know they are not always worthy of adoration.’

So God, in His great eternal wisdom, created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

It came to pass that Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And Cat, well, he didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

Then Clyde, with great reverence and solemnity, closed the book. Soon he, Hunter, and Hope curled up to nap. It almost looked like they were smiling, but I’m not sure.

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